The Greatest Show on Earth?

"Stunning", "flawless", "using imagery and technology of the highest level", "spectacular", "elegant"... so the initial responses to the Beijing Olympics' opening and closing ceremonies have been filtering through. Good for them. Just one thing bothers me...

... if the budget for our very own 2012 Olympics is a third of the Chinese one, what are our ceremonies going to be like? Here's a rundown of the current plans, leaked from Sebastian Coe's bedside cabinet drawer:

1) The Krankies and the Chuckle Brothers performing a medley of hits from Oliver!, Joseph & the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
2) Instead of Zhang Yimou coordinating the event, we'll have the likes of Michael Winner; OR, the other option (as yet undecided) is a Blue Peter presenter running the show as a hands-on "work experience" feature for the following week's episode.
3) Bruce Forsyth tap-dancing (you gotta love him).
4) Bobby Davro doing, erm... whatever exactly Bobby Davro does...
5) Everyone who's ever been in the Big Brother house demonstrating how to make money from absolutely nothing.
6) Orville the Duck and Spit the Dog upstaging those who have a hand up their bottom.
7) Barbara Windsor doing arm exercises in a bikini.

If you're anything like me, you'll be chomping at the bit to see such a spectacle...